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Scorpion Kicks - The Revenge
by Shane LeRoy (Soccer)
Posted on May 15, 2007, 2:05 PM

Illegal Immigrant Tea-Lady blamed for Sheffield United Relegation

Sheffield, May 15th

Wigan chairman Dave Whelan caused further controversy last night by
declaring that he has evidence of the illegal registration
of workers at Premier League clubs. The evidence apparently points
to the fact that Aston Villa employed an improperly registered Nigerian immigrant as a tea-lady at Villa Park.

"This is outrageous, and it is a clear breach of Premier League Rules"
thundered Whelan who has been to the forefront of the campaign to have
West Ham relegated from the League over the Carlos Tevez and Javier
Mascherano affair. " They have had the services of someone they should
never have had this season. I feel sorry for Sheffield United in all
this" added Whelan, who also vowed to fight "tooth and nail" to have
the Blades reinstated into the League in time for next season.

The Premier League was last night unavailable for comment on this
issue, and it is unclear as of yet what exactly this alleged breach
the rules has to do with Dave Whelan in any event.

Joey Barton to serve pre-emptive 15 game suspension.

Manchester, May 14th.

At a press conference in Manchester this morning, Manchester City
Midfielder Joey Barton unveiled his plans to serve a pre-emptive
suspension at the start of next season. The effect of this decision is
that Barton will miss the first 15 games of the season, and any
further suspension accrued throughout the season by his thuggish
antics will be covered, allowing him to play rest of the season for
whatever club is fortunate enough to sign him.

"I am tired of missing a game here and three games there throughout
the season. It really stops me from ever getting into a good run of
form" said Barton,. "This way, I can get all the suspended games out
of the way first, and then can concentrate on the rest of the season
without fear of missing games for trying to break other players legs
and jawbones" added the combative Liverpudlian midfielder.

There has been no official word from the Premier League as to whether
they will accept Barton's novel plan, but our sources believe that
such acceptance is highly unlikely in this case.

Bolton Chairman admits he is only winding fans up over Sammy Lee hire

Bolton, May 15th

Bolton chairman, Phil Gartside has admitted that Sammy Lee is not in
fact the Bolton manager. Speaking to journalists outside the Reebok
Stadium, Gartside declared that the pretense of hiring Sammy Lee as
manager had gone on long enough. " I want to put the fans out of their
misery" said a laughing Gartside. " When Sam Allardyce resigned with
two games to go in the season, I knew that this would be a great
opportunity to fool the fans. As I was saying goodbye, I said 'How
about Sammy Lee as your replacement?' , after which Big Sam almost
needed a paramedic from laughing so hard. It was priceless."

Loyal Bolton fans have expressed a mixture of outrage, disbelief and
relief at the latest news. " Im pi**ed off to be honest with you" said
season ticket holder Barry Thompson , 34. "I can't believe the
chairman would pretend to hire a new manager for 2 weeks, all as a
joke on his paying public!". John O'Meara, 25 said he understood the
anger of some fans but his overriding emotion was one of relief ; " To
be honest, I'm just relieved. The thought of following Long Ball Sam
with a glorified cheerleader as a manager gave me nightmares.
Hopefully now we can get a decent manager in, one who actually has a
vague idea what he's doing."

A beaming Gartside ended the interview by disclosing his favourite
part of the ruse. "During the Villa game, the Villa fans kept chanting
"Who's the midget in the suit" at Sammy Lee. I nearly wet myself."

It remains unclear at this juncture whether Sammy Lee himself was in
on the ruse, though a source close to Mr. Lee thought this was
unlikely. " I don't think he had a clue, he was so delighted to get
the chance to manage after years of only being allowed to shout 'Come
on boys' at the players at Liverpool. This is really going to
devastate him" said the source.

Promoted club expected to sign freshly relegated players.

Birmingham, May 14th.

Players of freshly relegated clubs were given a boost last night as
newly promoted Birmingham City declared that they will be exclusively
buying players who have just suffered relegation.

"We are only interested in players who have experience of dealing with
a dog fight for relegation " announced Blues boss Steve Bruce. "We
have enough money to go and spend on players from abroad if we want to
, but id rather stick to proven players in this country, preferably
proven failures in relegation scraps."

The news was a boost to players such as Sheffield United's Michael
Tonge . "Its great to hear that Premier League managers are still
interested in you, even when you have proven that you are totally out
of your depth at that level. Hopefully I will have a chance to get
relegated from the Premiership again next year with Birmingham" said
Tonge from his home in Sheffield.

Charlton's Matt Holland was another hoping for a swift return to the
top division upon hearing the news. "Yeah, it gives me great hope for
the future next season" said Holland. "You look at guys like Nigel
Quashie as a role model for these situations. It's like , no matter
how many times a Premier League club takes a chance on him and he
fails spectacularly, there is always a Steve Bruce or a Bryan Robson to come along and sign him up again. How many times has Quashie been relegated? 8? , 9times? You have to take your hat off to a guy like that."

News in Brief :

* Rafa Benitez not actually married.
* Playoff final could be worth 900 million to the winner.
* Paul Jewell still can't believe Pascal Chimbonda walked out on Wigan immediately after last season.

The above column is satire, and the stories and quotes completely fictitious.They are not intended to be mistaken for real news.

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