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Scorpion Kicks
by Shane LeRoy (Soccer)
Posted on May 19, 2006, 1:11 PM

Stuart Pearce can't believe how over-rated he is!

Manchester, May 16th

Manchester City manager Stuart Pearce has claimed that he is stunned at how the general media and Man City fans have taken to him. Speaking to reporters outside Manchester City's Platt Lane training ground, Pearce divulged "I just can't believe it. I've come here, taken over a mid-table side from Kevin Keegan and have had the media singing my praises ever since despite actually making us far worse. When you think that we've barely won a game since Christmas, my name was still actually in the frame for the England job! Unbelievable"

Pearce went on to state that he doesn't plan for games in terms of tactics, relying instead on sheer emotion. "Yea, I don't do a lot of tape study on the opposition team at all. I basically just go into the dressing room before the game and unleash my patented "Psycho" persona, on the players. Sometimes I even surprise myself with what I come out with. That time I was interviewed after the Middlesboro' game was a classic. 'Go home and ask your kids how did daddy play today' I said. Afterwards I went into my office and pissed myself laughing."

Pearce went onto say that the managers he admires most in football are the other "Honest bluffers". "I have a lot of respect for the likes of David O'Leary and John Gregory. No matter how horribly their teams under-perform, and no matter how much money they waste in the transfer market, they always seem to find some other poor suckers to give them a job. I take inspiration from that, as I know sooner or later the City board are going to wake up and see that i'm all mouth and no substance."

Before leaving, Pearce had one tip for the reporters: " Get to a bookies in the summer boys and back Man City to go down, and back me to get sacked, because I promise you: if I don't get sacked, we will go down."


Fantasy managers in despair over thought of Henry and Van Nistelrooy leaving!

May 18th

Fantasy managers are said to be in despair over the prospect of ace strikers Thierry Henry and Ruud Van Nistelrooy plying their trade abroad next season. Arsenal’s Henry has been linked with a move to newly crowned European champions Barcelona for months and Van Nistelrooy is unlikely to play for Manchester United again after walking out of Old Trafford before the least game of the season. Having both been huge scorers of fantasy points over the past number of seasons, managers may now have to look elsewhere for a guaranteed supply of goals.

“I’m gutted mate” said Alex Barker, 27, “I can’t tell you the amount of times I made Thierry Henry captain of my team just in time for him to score a hat-trick against someone like Charlton or West Brom. When he was injured, I’d replace him with Van Nistelrooy, even though I can’t stand the guy, because he’s a goal machine himself. I don't know what I'll do now, how do I find a replacement?”

Newcastle fan Steve Barnett agreed, “Who am I going to buy now to guarantee me goals? Marlon Harewood and Darren Bent might be one season wonders, Michael Owen is always injured, and Cissé can’t hit a hayshed at 10 paces.” he sighed ,before adding ruefully “I think Tottenham have bought some Hungarian lad,Berzakov or something, I might have to try him, and he might be brutal!”

Neither player was available for comment on this pressing matter for fantasy managers throughout the land.


“New Maradona” found in Argentine crèche!

Buenos Aires, May 17th

Reports in Argentina suggest that the long search for a player to fill Diego Maradona’s boots in the Argentine national team is over. Since his retirement from international football in 1994, a succession of Argentine midfielders, each one younger than the last, have been feted as El Diego’s replacement. From Ariel Ortega, to Pablo Aimar, to Juan Roman Riquelme, to Lionel Messi, a gluttony of talented players have donned the famous number 10 jersey of Argentina with varying levels of success. Now however, it seems like we have the definitive answer in the form of Julio Antonio Bonnero. Discovered playing with a toy football in the play room of a Buenos Aires crèche, the 5 year old wunderkind has wowed the nation’s best scouts with his mazy dribbles around the sand-pit and between the high chairs.

“He is incredible, absolutely incredible” said a beaming José Akaro, chief scout and head of youth development at Boca Juniors.”I remember Maradona at his age, and I am certain that this boy is better, much better. He just loves to learn, I was even teaching him to dribble up to one of the other kids, hang his foot out and fall over the other kid’s leg. He even says his favourite number is 10, just like Diego.” added Akaro. The parents of the boy are understandably supporting little Julio and his talent. Paco Bonnero, the boys father, is keen for his son to turn professional as soon as possible, insisting “Some people have said that he is too young to turn professional, but I don’t think he can learn anything by playing with children his own age.He needs to be training with players like Messi, Tevez, and Sorin as quickly as possible if he is to realize his full potential."

It may not be long before Bonnero makes the trip to one of Europe’s elite clubs, with Barcelona, Manchester United and PSV Eindhoven said to be leading the race for his services.


Steve Bruce can’t believe D.J Campbell didn’t keep Birmingham up!

Birmingham, May 17th

Birmingham Manager Steve Bruce launched a stinging attack on Striker D.J. Campbell last night, labeling him “a third division player”. Campbell, 24, only joined struggling Birmingham last January from League one side Brentford for a fee of £500,000 after scoring twice against Sunderland in the F.A Cup third round. “I watched him tear Sunderland apart in the F.A cup, gave Gary Breen a right chasing throughout. I expected him to re-produce that form week in week out for us, and he just hasn’t done it.His performances have been those of a third division player. I was relying on him , and he has let me down. Big time.”

Bruce then became irate at a journalist for pointing out that Campbell was actually a third division player when Bruce signed him, and that expecting him to immediately adapt to the Premiership and score the goals to keep Birmingham up was foolhardy. “Don’t tell me how to do my job” Bruce blasted, “Maybe I should have known that a player like D.J who has switched clubs twice in less than 12 months wouldn’t have the club in his heart like I do. People just don’t have loyalty anymore in football, and it’s sickening"

Chairman David Gold has made it clear that Bruce is to remain at the helm for next season. The future of Campbell however is less certain, with Bruce vowing to "send him back to the third division where he belongs". Whether that will be by way of a transfer or via a second successive Birmingham relegation was not clear.


News in brief

* Bert Troutman calls Spurs players “A bunch of cry-babies"
* Scolari's wife tells us exactly why he's called "Big Phil"
* Henry running out of fall guys for Champions League choke job.
* Henry to attend Greg Louganis diving school
* Andy Gray accused of not getting behind British teams in Europe
* Shock as Rafa Benitez gives interview without mentioning "possibilities"

The above column is satire, and the stories completely fictitious.They are not intended to be mistaken for real news.

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